Infidelity

Infidelity is a sign that something is seriously wrong with a marriage.

These circumstances may lead to infidelity:
? Problems Communicating
? Constant Fighting
? Jealousy
? Lack of Trust
? Spousal Abuse
? Sexual Problems or Intimacy Issues
? Missing Romance
? Not Spending Enough Time Together
? Problems Connecting Emotionally
? Lack of Love or Affection
? Anger
? Getting Over What's Happened in the Past.

Actually, infidelity can follow any life transition, pleasant or unpleasant. Moving to a new community, taking a new job, having a child leave home for college, all trigger major shifts in the nature of a relationship, and those shifts inevitably trigger new stresses.

There is a number of widely spread views on infidelity. It is difficult to say whether they are right or wrong. Still some of them may be refuted.

Everybody is unfaithful; it is normal, expectable behavior. Actually, we don't know how many people are unfaithful; if people lie to their own husband or wife, they surely aren't going to be honest with poll takers. We can guess that one-half of married men and one-third of married women have dropped their drawers away from home at least once. That's a lot of infidelity.

Still, most people are faithful most of the time. Without the expectation of fidelity, intimacy becomes awkward and marriage adversarial. People who expect their partner to betray them are likely to beat them to the draw, and to make both of them miserable in the meantime.

Affairs are good for you; an affair may even revive a dull marriage. It is true that if an affair is blatant enough and if all hell breaks loose, the crisis of infidelity can shake up the most petrified marriage. Of course, any crisis can serve the same detonation function, and burning the house down might be a safer, cheaper, and more readily forgivable attention-getter. However the reality is that infidelity, whether it is furtive or blatant, will blow hell out of a marriage.

People have affairs because they aren't in love with their marriage partner. But it turns out that the marriage was fine before the affair happened, and the decision that they were not in love with their marriage partner was an effort to explain and justify the affair.

Falling out of love is no reason to betray your mate. If people are experiencing a deficiency in their ability to love their partner, it is not clear how something so hateful as betraying him or her would restore it.

People have affairs because they are oversexed. Affairs are about secrets. The infidelity is not necessarily in the sex, but in the dishonesty. Affairs generally involve sex, at least enough sex to create a secret that seals the conspiratorial alliance of the affair, and makes the relationship tense, dangerous, and thus exciting. Most affairs consist of a little bad sex and hours on the telephone.

After an affair, divorce is inevitable. Essentially all first-time divorces occur in the wake of an affair. With therapy though, most adulterous marriages can be saved, and may even be stronger and more intimate, than they were before the crisis.

When a divorce occurs, it is because the infidel can not escape the affair in time, or cannot face going back into a marriage, in which he or she is now known and understood, and can no longer pose as the chaste virgin, or white knight spotless and beyond criticism.

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