Added: 09/13/2006 |
Dealing with ex-datesWe all have to deal with emotions daily and the way we handle them determines if we are wise enough to build strong long-lasting relationships or bound to break them by making silly mistakes.
There are a lot of strong feelings around us. You have been dating someone for a while and he still talks abut his ex. You are having nightmares about them being still together, and then slowly but surely drive yourself to the verge of a nervous breakdown. Somewhere underneath, there's an awful lot of emotional insecurity. But what are your emotions? Is it love? Is it fear of what could have been? You're worried that he still cares for her. Did it ever occur to you that he might feel bad too by worrying that you suspect him of still having feelings for her?
The only way you can help yourself is stop worrying. No one will promise you that everything will be fine, but the sooner you will be able to relax and stop being so insecure, the sooner you will understand what is really happening. You can then focus on building your relationship with your boyfriend rather than tormenting yourself every single day. And there is a fair chance that if you pay more attention to your relationship, you'll find that your boyfriend really loves you and not his ex.
You have been with your partner for a year and everything seems to be going fine, but you are obsessed with his ex. She looks like a fashion model. She is talented and bright, and you feel like you don't even qualify for a competition with her her. You know he loves you and wouldn't go back to her, but knowing that he's been with her before makes you feel humiliated and depressed.
We have all been there. Being jealous of our partner's exes is a rite of passage.
What you're experiencing is a combination of jealousy and insecurity. It twists you inside out and makes you feel horrible.
Deep inside you know you are behaving silly. This woman was with your boyfriend - in the past. Now he's with you, and it's you he cares for. The fact that you know that you're feeling madly inappropriate and having irrational thoughts is where your insecurity is coming from. And self-esteem is not a permanent state, but a changeable one that varies depending on your circumstances. So don't declare yourself a martyr who suffers in a unique or fatal way.
What this kind of obsession proves is that you really love this guy - to the point where you feel desperate to protect what you have with him. You are also creating a problem to distract yourself from your own intense feelings. What would you do if you didn't have her to worry about? You'd have to focus on something more serious and valuable, i.e. your relationship with him.
This is what you need to remember: your boyfriend is not trying to get her back. Her striking beauty and intelligence were not enough to make their relationship work. He moved on. Your fear and insecure will wear off eventually, but don't let them poison your today's life.
If you have some pending issues with your own ex, exorcize your ghosts before you enter into the next relationship. If you feel that you are still in love with your ex and there is some hope that things can work out between you two, make another attempt to get together. If it doesn't work, you will be able to start a new relationship with a blank page. That way, you will not get trapped in a love triangle later, when you are seeing someone else, and will not have to pay for a mess of your own making.
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