A fool and his money are great companions on a night out.

An ASBO in time saves nine.

Familiarity breeds a lot of little bastards.

It's the early bird that gets first place in the dole queue.

If a job's worth doing, it's worth getting some other bugger to do it.

A friend in need is a bloody nuisance.

O wad some power the gift tae gie us, to see oursels as our mithers-in-law see us.

Wise men think what their wives tell them to think.

A red sky at night is a Shepherd’s delight. A red sky in the morning means you’ve had far too much Tequila Sunset.

God help the rich, the poor have the Department of Social Security.
There are plenty more fish in the sea – unless you are impacted by regulation ‘Sea Fishing (Restriction on Days at Sea) (No.2) (Amendment) Order 2004’.

A lie travels round the glens while truth is putting his trousers on.

Do not blame God for having created the Ned, but thank Him for not having given the little bugger your daughter’s phone number.

A hand on ra burd is worth two on a bush.

If it wisnae for marriage, husband and wives would hae to fight with strangers.

Better late than pregnant.

The man who prizes his penis disnae let his wife play her bagpipes in bed.

Oh you tak' the high road and I'll tak the low road an' I'll hit the M8 road-works afore ye.

The word-processor is mightier than the sword.