"Next year I'll be eighteen and then I'll buy cigarettes, not because I'll want them, but because I can, and then I'll get a tattoo and some cheesy-doodles..."
...And on and on and on and on...
So I flip the radio on to drown her out. How did I get on this date? Why am I on this date? How can I get out of this date? And what do I get on the radio? I get Dave's car wash and people talking about songs and people talking to people about songs, dear God, why didn't I try zodiac signs matches? Zodiac signs matches would've given me a fighting chance to find someone compatible.
I can't even get a break on the radio where I'm supposed to escape.
So I start thinking about the girl I would've met if I would've tried Zodiac signs matches. The sexy girl on the sexy beaches and tracts of earth I'll never see, people I'll never meet, fantasies I'll never get to see online, and that ain't easy...
I'm tired of rain and news reports and hit and miss dating and girls that rattle on and on and on and guys in the express line with 11 fricking items.
I'm tired of work and bills and hangovers and weakness and this stupid girl beside me that I didn't find using Zodiac signs matches.
I'm tired of my team losing every other Sunday because there's mediocrity in the NFL and having to go to work on my day off and paying for public school and subsidies killing my loan requests.
I'm fucking tired of hating and arguing and booze and no booze and most of all I'm tired of...
"And when I'm twenty-one I'll drink drink drink....all week long...because I can...and shave my head...and grow children like beepers and yada & yada & yada & so..."
I get out of the car and help her up the pavement and she never stops talking, not even to breathe, and she hands me the key to open the door.
"And friends like me on myspace, I get hit all the time."
Yes, I remember the tits. But then there's:
"And I like doing yoga and I want to be a professional bowler and my old boyfriend works at the bowling alley but he's a dick and so I don't look at him when I go in there but I but pizza-even though I don't eat it-"
She finally stops talking to take a breath and to let me know that she never eats and she never shits and it never happens to her because she so special and--
And oh my fricking God-- I'm thinking like she speaks. She's spoken so much my voice has been consumed by hers like some Cancer has spread into my thoughts and is playing them like they were Machiavelli playing a leisurely Bocce tournament at an old folks home.
'Bam, knock them down with the little bowling ball and they can't play, I win. They're old and brittle. I can take them.'
What did it matter? Here I was, stuck on this horrible date. Another day wasted. I'd never get these four hours back again, and dear God those four hours sure seemed like a whole day. Oh well, next time I'll know better. I'll do research before I take the plunge and go out with a hot chick. I might even talk to her first, try a conversation and see if it's worth my time. Well, I guess that depends on just how good she looks.
All this could've been avoided if I just would've tried zodiac signs matches.