Sweat, gravity, consuming force drags me down, like a faceless shadow Smoking, Smoking my soul away into a churning iron lung existence grey with doubt and cut off from this supposed Heaven as I am stuck here on Earth.
It is my fault...yes...always. My fault I was born. My fault I am here. My fault I don't want to be. My fault indeed, let's not give God any of the blame, for he only claims glory. I wake up and slip into my early morning personality. Pour me up a cup of infomercials and some fresh steamy looping news bits.
Something gnaws at me besides gravity and time, something new but familiar, something sinister and dark and oddly appealing...
No, it's not the in-laws or the government or the daily Omni prescient sentience of being...
What does that mean? 'Omni prescient sentience of being'? It means I'm here and it sucks and it weighs on me and I'm never going to get there because there doesn't exist. Why do I think like that? What the hell was I even thinking about in the first place? Did I drink too much last night?
That happens more often these days, since I left God. Everybody finds him, there's not many of us that lose him like I do. Short term memory lapses and mental road blocks assault me, like hitting a bone jarring goose bump in the road of life at about 99 miles per hour, or running across a perkier-n-hell Katie Couric at 4 AM on a cold wintry morning. blech...
Anyway, back to the shadows where I belong. Ah yes. Something gnawing at me
and in a bad way, not certain, but I just realized, yes, that is indeed the problem. I've figured it all out. It's my first day off in forever, no work for me, my only day to sleep in for lord knows how long, and now I'm wide fucking awake, caffeinated, watching Katie awful Couric at 4 am prance on the TV screen with a smile faker than Brittney spears maternal instincts. Life sucks, Why always Jesus crap, I mean, what gives?
Why not hell on Earth and who do we blame? Why should we thank someone for a rotten place this miserable? Does it have to be religion or philosophy that brings home the titty nipple trophy?
Tell me universe, why ask why ask why ask why do the rich get inbred and the poor get poorer? Why is it that life thoughts crossed my mind as time stood still like a vent of hot chocolate steam in the fall of the first winter snow. Why is it I never smile these days?
Maybe it's because everyone is reveling in celebration of a God I don't understand. Maybe it's because all this religion brings me down and makes me feel so lonely I can hardly stand it. Maybe it's because life is tough enough. Throwing Holidays in behind it eases nothing.