A flickering moonlit shadow begins dancing a dance, dangling as a grimy marionette, which then gives me the finger from an alley as it is pulled by midnight on a string... 'Go away!' The alley says in this decimated cold deserted British caustic voice... 'I am here... always been... always be like that chap, in good time... See that streetlight... It comes and goes... loses bulbs and globes...gets painted...eventually gets replaced.'

The alley sighed, letting time and people pass it by.

'So what I'm saying is I'm the alley, g’day. Come get some...You don't have the guts though, because I'm the alley, I know. Come on down. I'm cold and I'm dark and pissed on and bled on and violated upon and I sit and wait and smile and people come and people go, all of 'em, and nothing ever changes, except people get fatter and more stupid and lazy, but not me. I am the Alley. I'm always there.'

He hissed a cold breath of steam in the bitter night air, the headlights zipping.... zzip... zzzip.... zzzipppp.... It drew me closer.

'You wouldn't dare face me, the alley is too much for you boy.'

He sounded tired and aged yet vibrant and alive at the same time, alluring in a frightening kind of way. 'I'm about to get my ass kicked or I'm about to jump out of a plane' kind of way. 'But come if you must, give it your all, piss and moan and fight and all, steal it all... lose it all... throw it all away... I'm the alley... I've seen it all before... I'll see it all again long after you're re-deposited into eternity...'

I stood before the modern version of the ancient cave, perplexed, scared and full of goosebumps, excited and high as a kite.

'Is this all I get?' The darkened wigged out alley whispered to me, disappointed ... 'Youthful excitement? That's it... a little hard-on for cheap mystery... No... Come on in stud? Bang your head against my brick walls... scribble graffiti on me... get mugged... have a baby... shoot me with your gun... BANG BANG... Profane me... scream until your eardrums burst and your brain flows in my sewage... Lets see if you're the one that can outlast the cave, man, and the fear, man, and time BOYEEE............'

It was promising, and I was truly intrigued, but I felt a little self conscious. He called me fat and I felt like a girl. I needed to find some UK fitness equipment since I was in the UK, I needed to lose some weight, tread some mills, put in some time on the UK fitness equipment available to me before I fought the alley. UK fitness equipment would get me in shape, UK fitness equipment would give me a fighting chance against the ancient alley. Maybe I’d try one of those UK fitness clubs, because there's always an alley and when I eventually go in I'm not getting out, so meantime I'll wait and waste away, silent and disposable and fat and flabby like most of the UK.

Then again maybe I’ll just eat some scones and down a pint and say screw the alley and make my way on my own. What’s the point, UK fitness equipment can’t make you invincible, it can only help you get into shape and do what needs to be done.