Most divorces are not done well. Not by the attorneys or judges serving or presiding over what is in the divorce papers, but by the spouses who file them.. If there are children involved, most times the spouses do even worse. It would be nice if after the initial shock things went smoother, however this is hardly the case. Hard feelings and difficult interactions sometimes last for the remainder of both their lives regardless of how much time has passed or what changes occur in their lives.
Divorce papers are used as a threat in unhappy situations. When the culmination of all the threats finally presents itself in a 25 page document detailing your financial position and custody arrangements, it can come as quite an eye opening experience! There are, however ways to have a good divorce, for lack of a better term.
When two people who have children decide that for whatever reason, it is in their best interest not to be together in a marriage relationship any longer, taking the focus from the ending marriage to the children and their feelings often times will result in a better situation for all. Divorce is ugly, there’s no doubt about it. There are such deep scars caused by divorce papers, sometimes the wounds never really heal, they just get carried into the next relationship. Children are the ones who watch objectively what is going on. Children love both their parents and, while they may not understand why the two of you don’t love each other anymore, they MUST know that you BOTH love THEM! This will help them not to blame themselves, not to burden any unnecessary responsibility regarding their “part” in the divorce and to feel free to love you both no matter what.
Parents who place more importance on their children than the anger, hurt and resentment caused by the filing of divorce papers by their ex-spouse have very successful relationships with their children and at least a civil one with their ex-spouse. These parents don’t speak negatively bad about the other parent while the children are present or within ear shot, they don’t criticize the way things are done when the children are away and they don’t make the children feel guilty for loving the other parent or try to make the children feel guilty for wanting to spend time with the other parent. This is so hard to do! However, if you remember that when they are all grown up, they will not have memories of fights and hard feelings when they think about you. No bad divorce history. Instead, they will know that you loved them enough to set aside your feelings and concentrate on what was best for them. After all, with the majority of parents divorcing these days, your children will hear horror stories from their friends, don’t make them live through them at home.