"Are you STUPID or something?"
"You're not watching the baby, ARE YOU STUPID??? I need some HELP! I can't do EVERYTHING around here. Are you allergic to the art of obstetrics, or are you just not into the practicing of the art of obstetrics."
"DAMMIT! James, we have five kids, two infants. You helped make them. You help take care of them. Remember before the babies, the classics full of obstetrics. OF OBSTETRICS JAMES?"
“Uhm… Not really (yawn), I remember the stuff on clinical obstetrics, the le maas classes, trimesters, that stuff.”
“JAMES, we have t take CARE of an infant more so than anything else. They’re succeptible to more than the bigger children.”
“Yeah, so, what’s your point?”
“DON’T LET THE BABY PLAY IN THE GARBAGE!”
I gotta' get some more sleep. In James' defense he got a new effects box and Jason whipped out a wah peddle for the BASS, so he might have lost all concentration and focus, or, he might be on the verge of nervous breakdown caused by the stress of five children. Think more later...
Many hours later, driving home, thinking about things. Why do people drive five miles an hour BELOW the speed limit on one lane mountain roads? They set them slow as is. Speed limits are the barometer by which you gauge your speed, not something to be afraid of.
Finally I get home, one kid is missing, stayed the night somewhere with another kid, but joy, a new kid is here staying the night. The kid swap is kind of like drinking you see. You're never really certain what type personality you're going to get until you're stuck with it for the night. Then it's too late to change. You might get the Little House on the Praire kid, you might get the little liar kid or you might get the Ally Sheedy hermit kid from that Breakfast Club flick. My personal favorite is the John Belushi on a sugar bender kid. If you get one of these, try heavy doses of Ritalin and keep 911 on speed dial. The kid swap gets addictive because one time you may trade your laziest kid for a future genius and a successful kid to be named later. It's a disease really and needs to be attended to as such. Doesn't matter where we move, this disease spreads to all suburban communities.
"So who's the girl?" My wife asks. There's no girl, but it's nice to know she thinks I can still get one. I probably could but I'm soured on females after thirteen years of marriage. James calls. I grab the acoustic and some Peach brandy, wife, kids, other peoples kids, the whole clan. We all go to the park. They say practice makes perfect. We still have some work to do.
We head to the park and the kids scatter like a deck of cards in a game of fifty-two pick-up. The wives start discussing obstetrics, and all husbands fundamental lack of knowledge of obstetrics. I’d be insulted if I knew what the hell they were talking about. I don’t, so I go back to what I was doing, tuning the guitar. After a few minutes of baby talk and health care talk and such the guitar is in tune. I play a soft song but it doesn’t drown out the talk of obstetrics, so James takes the guitar from me and begins to play. I begin to sing and hit the peach brandy. Tomorrow’s my day to watch the kids. I’ll figure out what obstetrics means then.