Once Again, Instant Gratification

Added: 12/22/2005

Purity tests are more purity tests are everywhere, proliferating on the internet like rabbits in Australia. What exactly is the appeal of these things, aside from instant gratification? Anything? And do low scores mean you should ask yourself how you expect to be taken seriously online? Plus, as a bonus, more instant gratification: a purity test at the end of the piece.

Oh, boy! It's another purity test! However, since this piece now has your attention, let's ponder for a few moments the mysteries of gratification gained through completion of another. Wherein lies the appeal of these things? Is it a substitute for college partying? (Call it e-college partying.) Is it simply more e-psychological masturbation and cheap gratification? Is it yet more indication of anti-social internet behavior? Are the purity-quizzed going for high scores or low scores? Are there blogged competitions? If there are, can you expect to be taken seriously online with a score of twenty-one point three three on the kissing purity test? (That's a low score, right?)

(Oh, and if there are blogged competitions, keep it to yourself. This writer should be writing when sitting before the laptop.)

My Friend Ted became particularly hooked once his obsession with Sid Meyer's Civilization II died down. Staring into the glow of his computer screen, he'd announce to bored guests and roommates that he scored thirty-six point one seven two five on the gambling purity test, eighty-eight point five five on the I-hate-working purity test, fifty point one percent on the hot sex purity test. (Like we really wanted to know that without the social lubrication of beers and vodka...) He may still be plugged into such examinations, for all we know. Many of us grew tired of his one-way conversation and bought him a poker CD-ROM for Christmas one year. He got to one million dollars before quitting for good and checking out how he scored on the card-playing purity test. (Seventy-seven point seven nine, for the record.)

But enough such tale-telling! You know why you're here: Immediate gratification! And what gives more gratification than a purity test? All right, let's go. This purity test is called "The Purity-Test Purity Test." All answers are true/false.

Question one. True/false: I do at least one purity test every day.

Question two. True/false: I do more than one purity test a day.

Question three. True/false: When I score low (or high as the case may be) on a purity test, I'm depressed for days on end.

Question four. True/false: I look forward to each day in the hopes my search will turn something new up.

Question five. True/false: I engage in contests with other purity-test lovers and hope I win.

Question six. True/false: I win the majority of the time.

Question seven. True/false: In fact, I win ninety point zero five percent (or more) of the time.

Question eight. True/false: I love this purity test and hope it goes on forever.

Question nine. True/false: ...and ever and ever and ever and ever...

Question ten. True/false: I look down upon low scorers.

Results: If you answered "true" to three or fewer questions, how can you expect to be taken seriously among other purity testers? If you answered "true" to four to six questions, keep on playing. It's certain you haven't found a plethora of purity tests. If you answered "true" to seven to nine questions, perhaps you should start seeking gratification elsewhere. And if you answered "true" to ten questions, what can you be told? Hell, you're probably already one to the next purity test, one about...hello? Hello?

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