Ah, it’s Christmas time again. No time like the holidays, right? Just sitting around getting fat watching football, stuffing the face with all that turkey and dressing and rum raisin cake, not worried about calories or the landslide of bills and debt waiting for you come January 1. Let’s not forget the egg nog that turns the stomach after a marathon month and a half of eating, watching football, and excessive drinking. There’s that warmth and camaraderie shared around a growling fire as the temperature outside goes sub-polar, meanwhile Uncle Ted proceeds to get drunk as he does every year, and he starts that annual fight that ends in insult and bitter regret. Grandma saying: “Come on now, Uncle Ted didn’t mean anything by it.” At the Fourth of July cookout so you make up in time for the next Christmas fiasco. Oh, and of course, there are the seven or eight fruitcakes and ties and Christmas colored socks that you get to take home. Nothing like gifts at Christmas time, especially since you spent three months spending all that you had picking out the perfect individual gifts for each and every person you ever met going back to about third grade. At least now there’s fruitcake to give away to anyone that you forgot. Hard to believe it, but Christmas is the perfect time to take a vacation. I’m not talking about normal Christmas vacation ideas, I’m talking about good Christmas vacation ideas, the kind that are good for you, the one who deserves the vacation, and, most importantly, the one that will be paying for the vacation. Normally Christmas vacation ideas entail going to see even more family that you wouldn’t ever spend time with if you didn’t share the same genome somewhere down the line. Sure cousin Charlie was cool when you were seven but that was twenty years ago, and he’s Uncle Ted’s son, right? All grown up and the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. To hell with Uncle Ted and to hell with his long time no see offspring. You’re better off keeping it that way, Christmas be damned.

One of the good Christmas vacation ideas, no a great Christmas vacation idea, involves getting as far away from everyone you know as you possibly can. It involves an airplane or maybe a boat, or hey, you know what, ideally it involves both. You’ll need a plane to take you as far as it can, and a boat to get you to a secluded beach somewhere warm next to crystal blue waters. Yes, a place where they serve boat drinks with little umbrellas starting at noon, where half naked beautiful suntanned men and woman roam freely on the beach, so unaware of Uncle Ted’s existence and so oblivious to the ingredients of fruitcakes that Santa Claus himself would melt in their presence. Here, you need to forget what day it is and what time of year it is and how dreary it is back home. The whole idea behind a Christmas vacation is that you’re getting away from all of the stress and pressures of Christmas itself. Think about it. Holidays are supposed to be breaks that relieve stress and tension, but what is more stressful than Christmas in 2006. What is more expensive than Christmas? How hard is it to pretend to love people you don’t even see but once a year when they come in droves to mooch a free meal at your house and leave you a—gulp, fruit cake? Leave now while you still can.