The ramifications on the children of divorce are well documented and it is an accepted practice for the two parents to attend a parenting class as part of the requirements to finalize a divorce. When parents divorce, they are telling the world that they don’t love one another anymore. During and after the divorce child tendencies are to blame themselves or to somehow pretend that they could have saved the marriage. It is important to let the children know right away that only two people are responsible, you and your spouse.
The do it yourself divorce concentrates on the act of pushing the divorce through the court system to result in a final determination that two people are no longer married. There is little, if any attention paid to the emotional side of divorce for either parent or child. The ability to share your side of the story and to communicate clearly what your desires are going forward is something you can learn from the do it yourself divorce route. However, communicating clearly to your children is another matter.
When kids ask the tough questions, society tells us that we should try to answer them age appropriately. There are books, visual aids, tapes, and CD’s that “make it easier” to share what is happening with your child. Our cultural attitudes toward divorce expect us to expect the worse and know how to deal with it. I suppose this is O.K. for adults, but the children don’t look at an animated character and relate the traumatic events of their most recent crisis through song and dance. It just doesn’t happen.
Kids need to know that while mom and dad don’t love each other anymore, they both love the children as much as they ever did. This concept is confusing to children because their identities still are very much embedded in the family as a unit. When that breaks up, then the child doesn’t know what is real, what can be trusted, what is true anymore? These are the issues that are not addressed by the do it yourself divorce kit that comes with the “Its ok, it happens to everybody” videos.
Parents need to take time with their children equally and allow them to vent, ask questions and cry. Encourage good feelings between the child and the other parent. This will help mend the rips caused by being bounced from house to house. While it’s not feasible to attend the children’s events sitting together, it is important that both parents be notified and tries to attend all events as before. Don’t let fears, anxiety or anything else deter you from putting your best foot forward when it comes to loving your children; this is especially crucial in a divorce situation. Let the other parent be a parent…and make sure your children can love you both.