After researching all the gyms close to my house on the internet, I settled on three of the big chains and planned on visiting them all. On Saturday, I set out on my quest to regain my manhood. After checking out all three, I was severely disappointed. All of the gyms were exactly the same. In each gym, I was lead on a guided tour by a perky little Barbie doll, that was “like totally into the fitness scene”. I was walked past the gleaming rows of treadmills, bright fields of elliptical trains and lustrous spinning bikes galore. At each section of the gym, little Barbie took great pains to explain each piece of equipment to me in painful detail without even thinking about asking me if I had ever used any of them before. To me, this was way too artificial. Exercise is supposed to be sweaty, dirty and tough. Not this homogenized, sanitized, ultra-plastic artifice of exercise.
Just as I was about to give up hope, I saw a grubby little sign that said, Extreme Fitness Gym. Even though I had never heard of the Extreme Fitness Gym, I decided it was worth a quick stop. As I pulled in the parking lot, I saw the blackened windows and the badly chipped paint on the door and thought this was going to be a mistake. At that moment, I considered turning around. But since I was already out of the car, I went in anyway.
I have never been more surprised in my life. What I saw in the Extreme Fitness Gym was the most glorious sight for my overweight eyes. It was dingy, dirty and a little smelly. But it looked like a real gym. Instead of the well made-up Barbie wannabe, there was a hairy, barrel-chested man with gigantic biceps sitting behind the desk. When I asked if I could look around the Extreme Fitness Gym, he merely grunted and nodded his head. As I walked around, I felt comfortable. All the equipment looked like it was well used. The darkly lit free weight area was full of dumbbells, barbells and weights. We’re talking, big weights, not the rows of gleaming seven and a half pound dumbbell weight-ettes. As I continued my self tour, I saw several well-worn heavy bags, a row of speed bags with badly compromised seams and a full-sized boxing ring. This Extreme Fitness Gym was my kind of gym.
Hustling back to the front desk, I asked the huge man what the membership fees were. Stunned at the reasonableness of the monthly fees, I joined on the spot even before seeing the best part of the Extreme Fitness Gym – the Extreme Fitness Babes! Since that day two years ago, I have gone to the Extreme Fitness Gym at least four times a week and I have never been bored. The best part is that I have lost over fifty pounds, trimmed almost a foot off my waist, added two inches to my biceps and over four inches to my thighs. I look and feel ten years younger, I am stronger than I have ever been and I have become very good friends with more than a few of the Extreme Fitness babes. Thank you Extreme Fitness Gym, thank you.