I'm nothing, if not a good sport. In the sense that out of respect for friends and colleagues I will do things I don't necessarily enjoy doing. Playing golf with friends is one such thing. Wearing golf clothing is another. I admire the heck out of anyone who can play golf. That the sport involves coordination, skill and a keen eye was never in doubt. I just personally don't like it. And I don't feel comfortable wearing nickered pants and tweed golf shirts and form-fitting gloves. How do you work up a sweat wearing that kind of thing? In golf clothing lies probably the root of my frustration. I feel so dressed up I'm afraid to perspire.

Now, hitting a small white ball with a 9-iron or whatever the heck it's called may be good for some people. But I'd rather chop wood, or hit a heavy bag. Those are manly things. I just don't feel comfortable driving around in a small electric cart. And I certainly don't enjoy wearing golf clothing that has emblems of soon-to-extinct animals crocheted on them.

One of my friends took along his wife because he says he finally found a sport both of them can enjoy. Doesn't sex count? How about skinny dipping? Well, let me tell you, women's golf clothing ranks right up there with men's. I'll admit the skirt certainly was alluring, as were the knee-socks. But women's golf clothing seems more adapt for baking a cake than swatting a ball.

Speaking of which, golf clothing is bad enough, so don't even get me started on the shoes. When I work out or engage in physical activity I want to wear tennis shoes. Not some glossy vinyl thing that would look better on Michael Jackson. I didn't know if I was supposed to moonwalk or swing the damn golf club. Perhaps if golf clothing evolves into something a little more rugged I'll be able to embrace the sport more. Maybe if golf clothing embraces a more camouflage look I'll feel more enthusiastic. As it is now, I felt more like I should be strutting down a catwalk in Milan.

You can probably tell that I was setting myself up for trouble by agreeing to play golf. First of all how the heck do you play something you know nothing about? Maybe if the activity is sex and involves my wife I could fake my way through it. But golf is just you and the ball. And you look silly not hitting the ball. Actually hitting the ball wasn't that difficult, but making it go where I wanted to it was the difficult part. And to make matters worse I'm left handed. Needless to say, I felt silly dressed up in my designer golf clothing, the pace of the game was way to slow, and even when I hit the ball it went in the water.

18 holes of golf was 18 holes too many for me. But I knew what I was getting myself into. Like I said, I'm a good sport. And besides after nine holes we all started to get so drunk that no one cared about the nine holes that followed. Hitting the ball was a difficult enough. Driving a golf cart while inebriated was downright unnerving. Fortunately you can't get a ticket for driving drunk on a sand trap.

All I have to say is thank goodness for alcohol. Now would someone please help me out of these damn shoes?