5 A.M. -- kick the stupid clock for not being 4.A.M. I had to get up to go to the bathroom and found out that I only had two hours left to sleep instead of three. I blame the clock, promptly ripping it from the wall and throwing it into the garbage can. Clocks have been messing my life up since I was born, you know, spring forward, fall backward, step soldier, goosestep at that, there's only so much time left, zieg heil!
5:02 A.M. -- kick the dumb-bells I never use, unless you consider breaking my toe on the stupid things at 5:02 A.M. every day.
5:55 A.M. -- realize I'm still married, roll over, try and get some game before she fully wakes and realizes who we are, fail miserably.
5:59 A.M. -- Try again, just in case she’s sleepier than she looks.
6:01 A.M. -- Use a pair of tongs to retrieve my left testicle from deep within my pelvis.
6:01:15 A.M. – Finish successful retraction and promptly pass out!
7:43 A.M. -- WAKE UP LATE FOR WORK – ALERT – ALERT
9:15 A.M. -- sneak in the front door, gimpy and not having done one single report I've had three weeks to prepare for, (mental note: blast kid when getting home for not studying or doing her homework!)
9:25 A.M. --.........zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.....
11:42 A.M. -- Get fired and show former boss the testicle removing technique I learned earlier in the morning. knowledge is a gift that keeps on giving, and I like to share the wealth.
11:47 A.M. -- Try and elude the police, many of them. Too many of them, really.
11:48 A.M. -- Lose yet again. play hide and go seek with a nightstick and some mace so rough and for so long that I know I'm going to spend some time with a guy in a Mr. Rogers suit asking me to show people on the dolly where the bad men touched me.
10: 50 P.M. -- Get picked-up by wife after she hocked the last piece of jewelry you bought her 9 years and two kids ago to bail you out, you bought that back before you had a natural family; back when you had sex and she bothered to take showers. Have to love the nuclear family; drive you nuts.
10:55 P.M. -- Realize I'm still married, still master of my natural family; reach over and try to get some again. That’s what all this stuff started over, might as well finish the day off where it began. "Not tonight." she says. "I'm pregnant."
11:15 P.M. – Cheery whiff of smelling salts.... mmmmmmmm.... puke and sugary cereal on carpeted floor greet me.
11:24 P.M. -- Laughing hysterically as the gravity of the situation sets in, as my wife sits in the other room with my last testicle affixed to that old piece of jewelry I bought her so long ago. I come to the realization as to the meaning of it all, once you start a natural family; everything becomes unnatural.
The last thing you can do is escape. What’s so natural about a man coupling with a woman to have sex, only to stop having sex because of kids and hassles and bills, and then, every time you do accidentally have sex, you have more children?