A dog was left to guard the owner’s car. In the morning the owner turns up: there are no wheels. On the window is a note: “Don’t reproach the dog, it barked”.
Note that to argue with the boss is the same as to wrestle a pig that’s lying in the mud. At a certain moment you notice that you are getting totally covered with mud, while the pig is only receiving more pleasure.
Salary is like menstruation: you wait for it a whole month and it runs out in a week.
Count Dracula got so drunk that he went with his mates to meet dawn.
Wife says to husband: you take the kid, I’ll take the vase, you keep on dropping things.
Husband and wife are having a fight in a car. Passing a village, they see a pair of pigs. Wife: see, that’s your relatives. Husband: yes, my mother and father in law.
A blonde finds her husband in bed with another woman, places a gun to her own head. Husband: what are you doing? You’re going to die!!! Blonde: shut up asshole! You’re next!
An ideal man is a mixture of a vibrator and the ATM
Darling, please buy bread, a croissant, milk, cheese & something to eat
A girl at the newsagency: what is that pretty card with flowers? Salesman: “To my one and only” Girl: give me about 10 of those please…
-Mummy, I gave my seat to a lady on the bus today, but she didn’t sit down.
-And what did you do?
-Climbed back onto daddy’s knee.
Blonde gave birth to triplets. She examines her babies:
-This one has a big nose, just like Harry. This one has fat cheeks, exactly like Bobby Smith. And whose is the third one? Then the baby screams:”Aaaaaaaaaaah!!!!!” Blonde lightens up: aha, that’s my driving instructor!

Pic: Dumb blonde
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-wgzpmGitQw&feature=related
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5C0i9SZqMgc&feature=related