Hi, my name is Bjarne T. and I am an alcoholic. I would like to share my full story with you, so you know who I am.
I got sober in 2000 because of the steps I took, suggested as a program of recovery in AA. It worked for me too.
I tried AA in 1996 because my ex-wife thought it might be a good idea if I got sober, but after a few meetings, I thought I could find an easier, softer way. However, I could not. Four years later I had lost everything, I found my bottom. After that I was ready to do everything to stay sober. I was willing to go to any length to get it – I was ready to take certain steps.

I was born in 1948 in a medium sized town in Denmark. My father was a carpenter working with my grandpa’s carpenter company, both alcoholics I later figured out. My mom was housewife not working away from home, a real co-alcoholic. I have a tree and half year’s older sister she still think she can control alcohol. We all lived in a little roof apartment at third store. It was no luxury but a good and safe life with my moms protecting skirts. I remember I was a shy and sensitive kid in my childhood.

When I was about ten years my dad got self-employed he worked up a carpenter company, he was a kind of workaholic to. We moved to better and bigger houses the throughout the 60´ties. My father got wealthy, my mom became a snob and I became spoiled.

I tasted my first alcohol as 14 years old to my confirmations party. My cousin and I got permission to drink legally a beer or two. I still remember I thought it tasted like pee but what a freedom it gave me. My shyness flew away after a few minutes, I could talk free I felt suddenly I was normal. I loved that feeling so much that my cousin and I later went down in the basement where I knew my dad kept his beer depot. Soon I was drunk and next day I had my first of thousands of hangovers.

It is first to day I know I was born to be an alcoholic. I had the disease in my brain and body and as soon as I took my first drink, I was hooked on alcohol. Even though, I did not like the taste.

I soon after that experience lived only for the fun in the weekends, Fun for me was to find those friends who liked alcohol and females, because girls have also been an obsession for me. Therefore, to drink was important to get the courage to invite or just talk to a girl. I remember I was scared to death if I did not have something to drink.
To day, I have figured out through my fourth step that the obsession of females is coming from my low self worth. I try to get attention from others and figured out females could give me attention. That is for me a part of the disease, I try to compensate for my low self worth and to do that I abused alcohol.

In school, I was becoming lazy and did not do my homework, or more right I was daydreaming. I could not understand I did not come in the best classes; I began lie to my sports friends about why I was in the bad class. I was obstinate to my mom and others who want to push me in the right direction, I got mad and told them I knew what was best for me or I lied.

My mom was a kind of snob, maybe because she came out of poor family. Maybe therefore she pushed me to get a good degree. My parents send me to a boarding school so I could get my exam from the high school. However, I continued daydream, drank with my friends in the weekends, and then I got obsessed by a pretty girl of 15, at the boarding school. I was about 17 my first real fall in love I was bewitch of her. However, it ended up with we run away from the school she because she was bored and tired of living. I was scared because I knew I could not go through the examination. Two spoilt kids.

After that, my parents send me to a local private school, but the same pattern moved on and I came into my fathers Carpentry Company as an apprentice.

I liked to work because I had no homework anymore. Best of all, at the building sites and the workshop it was legal to drink beers. It was not every day I got beers but often when we got one in the morning one to our lunch and one or two in the afternoon. I did not stop when I came home to my parents after I have been drinking four beers at my work. I sneaked away visiting my friends or just went to a bar or pub where I got some beers. Sometimes I end up on a discothèque or nightclub found a female and went home early in the morning. I got maybe one or two ours sleep. I could drink with my friends in the everydays now. I did not do that often because I had a hell of hangovers every time the next day, at that time I did not know I could drink it away.

In the weekends, it was party, girls and drinking. Sometimes my friends and I started up meet Saturday before lunch having 3-4 beers on a bar. That habit started before I was 18 yrs and it was not legal (in Denmark its legal when you are 18 years old). I looked older than I was. I remember one night in front of the same bar I cannot remember what happened, but I end up very drunk and I kicked a taxi.
I remember the police came and throw me in the drunken tank at the police station. I was only 17 years old. A nice person as me, coming from a nice and wealthy family, ending up at the police station - How could that happen? I could not understand it.
I repressed the experience in many years until it popped up when I became sober. Then I suddenly could se I was an alcoholic from the beginning and I cold not manage my own life.
I did not figure that out before I was over 40 years old.

My life went on after the same pattern until I began to study. I always knew I wanted to become an architect. I figured out I could start as carpenter to get to that goal. In Denmark, it is possible to go that long way from craftsman to an academic degree.

After 3 years as a carpenter apprentice, I started up pass the examination I never got because of living in my dream word. It was the first time in my life I took that kind of decision myself. I got the certificate.

I was now ready to start up my study. First, I had to take a bachelor degree in building technique on a college. I came to a small town far away from home the best thing I had done in a long time.
However, my drinking pattern followed me. I always drank in weekends. I thought everybody did so. I thought it was normal, my family and friends did so. I did not think I could live without, and often in the every day, I end up on a bar or dance restaurant. It started often by drinking some beers at the college with my student’s fellows after school. Then we took out on a bar, but I did not come home before they closed. Sometimes I went home with a female. Woke up with hangovers next morning, but at that time I came up in the morning to my school.

I had got a new a girlfriend who later became my wife. However, in the weekends, I often instead of take home to my girlfriend told her I was busy doing homework. It was a kind off truth but not all; because when the homework it was done very fast, I took the train to visit a male friend in Copenhagen. Then we partied around at bars and pubs in Copenhagen until my friend was tired and went home. I continued to the nightclubs hunting girls. Often I got so drunk I end up sleeping in a bar corner early in the morning.

I was young and strong I did not drink every day. I took my hangovers in Sundays and I got my homework done for the first time in my life. I got my degree and it was one of the best. Sometimes I wonder how that could happen.

After ending my Bachelor of Architectural Technology and Construction Management, I was ready to go further. My ambition level was very high, I think as compensation to a low self worth. My girlfriend and I moved to Aarhus, a University City in Denmark for studying to be an academic architect.

The same drinking pattern continued the only difference now was that I lived together with my coming wife, and she is no alcoholic. So now, I had to find a reason and purpose for my dinking in weekends.
It was necessary to find some study friends who liked to drink with me. Invite them at home and go out with them. It was not that difficult to find. Soon my wife and I had many good friends around us, and not only the weekends. It was a lifestyle to drink in that society, “it was nearby a law”. We had many good and happy times also. We got married and we got two wonderful and healthy kids during my study time.

The night my oldest son was born, I left the hospital and I was thinking I have to celebrate this. I went out for a better dinner alone got a lot of wine end up via a nightclub in woman’s bed. Early next day I woke up with terrible hangovers and full of anger for what I had done.

I got my degree as an architect in 1975. Proud but anyway I was thinking I never get a job as architect I am not good enough I am not so smart. I did not think I deserved my degree, I was just lucky.
Very soon, I got my first good job on a small architect’s office.
Before that job, I got an assignment, in my summer vacation for my sister and brother in law. They had bought a new house in the north end of the country. I promised to set up a new kitchen for them. It took a week alone in the house and when I had fixed the kitchen I deserved a celebration for myself a tour in town, a good dinner and wine, I was around all bars, pubs and dancehalls in town and end up in a early morning bar very drunk, got thrown out because I vas nasty. I got so angry for that I went to the parking spot for my car. Drove it over the sidewalk with front to the bar window witch was down to the sidewalk, I would try to scare them. The bartender laughed at me trough the window, now I got very angry, I loose the brake and broke the glass, backed out again and drove away. They took the plate number and called the police who called my brother in law 200 miles away.
Later in the morning, the police pushed me out of the bed very drunk. I came in prison and lost my driver licence first time in an age of 27 years.

At the job interview for my first job as an architect, I did not tell about my lost driver licence. Even though I knew, my boss expected I had a car so I could take some site meetings. I told I had a car and that was thru. However, I got the job, and a half-year later, my wife had to drive me once a week to the site meetings. I was a dam good manipulator, but I did not feel very good with try to hide that action away and being so dishonest.
I stayed in the company 2 years, after a while I began have too many Mondays off. I had to let my wife call the secretary and report that I was ill, (because of my drinking). Even to call in I could not be responsible. I thought my boss knew I had problems by alcohol even I to day know I did a fine job there.

I had huge ambitions about myself and unrealistic dreams about a glorious career. I got another job in another town and same pattern went on there. Two years again in the job, I began to worry about being fired, because of to much drinking. I did not at the job at that time, but in the evenings on way to home and at night at home. Next day I waked up with fear, hangovers and so on.
I remember, “I choose” our house in the small town, because of the place close to the center with 3 - 4 pubs. Soon I figured out that that town was too small for me.
In the evenings I told my wife, I needed to take a walk to get fresh air, I was so embarrassed to my wife because of my need for drinking. In one sometime two hours, I had time to drink two strong beers and a glass of snaps at each pub. I did not stay the same place and drank all 9 - 12 drinks because I had a good respectful job with a respectful architect in a small town. Nobody should know I had a drinking problem; I tried to hide it and my problem.

The show went on. I got a new job in a new, lager town much better I thought. The same pattern and behavior went on. My family moved on with me. My poor wife and small kids had to change friends every time. After two years at the new company, the employer got sick and he wanted to stop. Hi soon asked me if I was interested in buy the architect company. I was so impressed because it was a dream I have had in many years, to be a self-employed architect. The alternative was the company closed and I would be fired.
After two years as employed I jumped into a fearful future as self-employed, with a few building jobs to finish and no money on my bankbook, only an overdraft facility and a house I had. It went fine in the beginning I puffed myself up, but inside I was scared for the future it was bad times in 1981 oil crisis and building crisis. Worst of all no new jobs came in. I was alone in the company at least. I dank more and more, started from the morning. Even though I told my wife sometime, I have to go on job a Saturday afternoon to finish some work, the only reason was I wanted to go out and have some fun and get drunk. Once she past the office next morning and found me very drunk together with a woman in the backroom.
My overdraft ability increased and I had no new jobs coming in.

I got back some commonsense. I could se I had to find another job as employed. I searched for a job in another part of the country.

In 1983, I got a job in a large architect office at Odense City where I live today. It was an independent job, I could manage my time, as I liked as long as I took care of my cases and the customers.
The first 3 months, until we found a new house, I lived in a summerhouse outside the city.

After a month, I started up with making a stunt. I had an important meeting with a manager of a State School and a Government Official on a in a town 100 miles away, to start up a new project. I was very anxious that I could not handle my new job. Especially I was afraid for this important meeting coming.

The night before, I went out to eat a dinner in a little town close to the summerhouse. I got something to eat and wine to drink. I figured out there was a famous Danish band playing in town on a restaurant close to. I told my self I could not miss that.
I promised my self, only to se a little part of the show, only drink a few drinks and then go early home.
I was thinking “I am alone here I have to be nice to myself, because I have an important meeting tomorrow 11 o’clock in the morning”. I cannot go home to the lonely summerhouse now.

Next day I waked up at twelve o’clock. I had terrible hangovers and could not remember anything from last night. The next I recognized was I had missed the important meeting. There was no phone in the primitive summerhouse and it was before the cell phone was invented.
I had to drive out to find a phone box call the secretary and tell her an unrealistic stupid lie story about why I was so sick and why I could not call before now. After that, stunt I thought the company knew I had a problem with alcohol and thought I would be fired soon but I was there in two years and I did not got fired I fund a new job because I was scared.
After some time I made a new stunt drunk together with a woman. I brought a stranger to the Company’s office in the middle of the night. Nobody saw it, but I thought so and was so scared and full of paranoia. Now I had to get sedative from my doctor. I couldn’t tell anyone what I had done I but was sure my colleague’s knew it all included I had an alcohol problem. Therefore, I had to find another job. That was the only solution that could make me free again I was sure.

I started at a new job, after two years and same problems and pattern. I remember at least every third month I took a terrible drinking tour over a weekend sometimes it last the whole week.
Between the tours, I tried to drink controlled in the evenings. At home, I hide my beers, wine and liquor for my wife, because I was embarrassed over my problem that I had to drink to feel good. My wife and kids tried to hide it to for others visitors and friends. My kids took often away to their friends instead of bring them home. The family got sick to.
When I was home I did not live in the now. I was thinking on, my job, other people’s thoughts of me and mostly how I could get the next drink. Often I had to drive to the Gas station for cigarettes a magazine or a third stupid excuses for getting some drinks. I went to a bar in a hell of a hurry I could drink three strong beers and to snaps very fast. Hurry home and try to find a stupid excuse for why it took that long time to pick up some cigarettes. What a trouble.

The next geographical run away I arranged was only including me. In 1987 when I after the two obligatory years began to search for the luck in a new job, my wife and kids this time made it clear for me, if the new job was in a new town, they did not move anywhere this time. My skills and position as architect and person was the most important thing in the world I thought. I was sure it was the only way I could be happy and get some respect from other. I had a very materialistic mentality art that time.
However, my ambitions were still very high and I could not se why.

In 1988, I found a job as Deputy Head in a branch of a lager architect company, one hour in car from my home. My drinking craving was now so strong and powerful that I often had to drink in the mornings. Sometimes I drank little before I came out of the house to my car, to calm down my nerves and angst. Not more than I, legal could drive my car. Often I bought a whole bottle (75 ml) of Vodka at a gas station on the road. However, I waited to go off the highway and drink of the bottle until I was close to my workplace. I found a peaceful place where nobody passed. I enjoyed the feeling of the spirits in my blood and brain and felt it moved away the fear, so wonderful. Sometimes I came to empty the whole bottle before I got the feeling of being myself and free of fear again. Then I was close to be to drunk, to take care of my job at the office. I could make it until lunch. I told the secretary I had to take downtown to get some special food. I came back, sometimes after suspicious long time, I had to take my time to find blood the alcohol level where I functioned, and it was high. I did not have alcohol on me or in the office. I was so scared for be caught in drinking that it was a hell to act like nothing was wrong and that I was very normal.

I often had meetings around in the country. It was a day off from the office and what a freedom for me.
I had my bar with me in my car I just had troubles to but and to get rid of the empty bottles all the time.
That situation last in two years again. Until I got fewer jobs, because of less orders coming from outside, I was told, not my fall. However, I am sure the company fired me because it was convenient to get rid of a not well working fellow. I was happy to come away from the hell I created.

I never been thinking at I had to do something about my alcohol problem, it was my medicine, my friend, I just have to learn to control it.

I got a new job in another architect company fast after that. Only a year I was there, and I was fired, because of less work the owner told me, but something was rotten in the state of Denmark I was sure.

After that, my wife one day in 1990 saw a job advertisement for teaching on a College in the Newspaper and asked me if it would like to be a teacher. I was thinking se must be crazy, I have no experience in teaching, but after a while, I came to think, what happened when I finished my bachelor degree many years earlier. I had a strong vision, that I one day would become a teacher in the same education I just finished. Now I had the change to realize my vision. I send application cam to a job interview and got the job.

Even I got the job I was very nervous for not be qualified before I started after the summer vacation, I drank more and more and to my first teachers meeting, someone came with a bottle of bitter called “Gammel Dansk” a Danish specialty served to meetings for years ago. I knew I should have said no thanks. However, I got two shuts to a morning meeting and I was turned on for more. After the meeting, I went to a bar and I and got very drunk. I started my carrier as teacher by report sick for a week. However, I came back and figured out I had talent for teach students. At least I had a long carrier of experience to offer.

I was still drinking a lot in the evenings, and in the morning, I had a terrible angst for the coming day. I remember I felt, I was a bad person, I had not done my homework very well because I was busy drinking when I came home from the school. I was afraid I could not handle the students. I was afraid I was not smart enough and so on. Every morning I was thinking by call the school and report sick. I took pills to compensate for my angst. I manipulate my doctor to give me a glass of benzodiazepine pills every month after year’s pressure. I took at least one every morning and if it did not help I took two e.g. I was now addicted to pills to.
One morning my pills did not help and instead of stay home, I took two drinks, or more until my fear run away. I remember I was very dizzy when I came to the school. It ended up wit a scandal. Because I got nasty to the students and talked like a waterfall, until a student went to the teacher’s room for help. I got send home immediately. Strange nothing happened afterwards, but I was scared and my drinking did not get better. After that, I very often thought of suicide.

In 1996, I was so far out, and my wife so tired of me that she gave me a meeting list for something called AA. I did not know what it was – maybe I have heard something about AA, but it was not very well known in Denmark at that time.
She said try it and if I you do not try it I want a divorce. I had accepted I was and alcoholic at that time, but I could not imagine a life without alcohol. How could life ever be nice and funny without and how could I ever be a happy man again?

I was to my first AA meeting a Monday night in 1996. I remember my fear, and the meeting was in a church. I am baptized and confirmed, but did not overran the church. I could not imagine that something spiritual could stop me drinking. I was afraid, it might be a strange sect, I was thinking, maybe they wanted to control me and demand me to do things I don’t want to. I was full of paranoia.
Maybe the worst fear was to meet a college or another person I knew. That would have been terrible, I thought. I got the courage through my pills. I was of cause also filled up with benzodiazepine when I entered the meetings, how else could I stand these meetings
I tried to act as if I was much better than all the other persons were. I had a good well-paid Job, huge house, a fine car and two clever kids in the high school. How could I belong to a crowd of alcoholics who could not manage their own lives? I was a good example for them I thought; I could manage my life with all my materialistic things and behavior. What I forgot and denied was that I was full of fear and low self-worth I had to hide it from others. I remember, when I went home from the meetings, I said to my wife: “I have been to a prayer meeting more now. I don’t think it will help me.”
The purpose was off cause to get free and not go to these boring and scaring meetings. I gave my self “the freedom” and soon I was drinking again.

After my relapse, we both could se our marriage could not last anymore we were separated very fast.
We sold our house I moved into an apartment in the center of the City.
What a comedown, but I had my “freedom” I was thinking, but I was afraid to be alone. We sold the house so I got an amount of money. I paid my Bills and loans and for the first time in my life, I had a lot of money on a bank account. I did not feel happiness at all, but I was thinking, I have the got “freedom” to drink and have sex with all the women I need and I have money. Then my happiness will come soon.

I was drinking too much and tried to have many girlfriends. Instead of being happy, I got scared for everything, my job, the coming day, my colleges and worst of all scared for the students. I did not fell well prepared for my job in the morning it was a mess.

After a while, I got a genius idea. I could take a year off my job and make something interesting instead off.
I have always had a talent for drawing and painting so I figured out I could take a year on an art school and use and develop my talent. Maybe that could make me stop drinking.
In 1998, I got the permission from my manager at my college to get a year off. I was ready to start at the Art school in September after the summer vacation in 1998, but before that, he wanted me to take lessons in AutoCAD, a drawing program on computer. I wasn’t ready for that at all, but I was too proud to say so.
I had my first lesson after the vacation, where I have been drinking too much. I was very scared and after the first lesson I could se it would fail totally, I didn’t want to live anymore and was thinking a lot of doing suicide. Instead of doing so, I went home, bought a bottle of Vodka. Drank it, packed my suitcase and took all my money and credit cards with me. I bought a ticket to Copenhagen, booked a room on a hotel, bought a one-way flight ticket to New York, USA.

Next morning I entered the plane with a whole bottle of gin bought in the duty-free shop. Could not wait to for a drink until the plane got started, I went out at the toilet and drank most of the Gin, I interrupted a young woman sitting on the seat beside me, then I don’t remember anymore.
I waked up very early in the morning in Kennedy Airport in New York. A huge black guy was sitting very close to me in a big empty arriving room. He said just relax man. I was scared, had withdrawal symptoms, was shaking and sweating like a pig. I was waiting for a special interview with the Immigration Authorities and I did not know what to do. I could not get a drink, and then I remember my good old friends my pills, I always had with me. I had imported two bottles of Benzodiazepine to USA. My problem was to get them, so the man did not catch me in having illegal pills with me.
I asked him if I could go to the bathroom. I told him I also needed to brush my teeth. I knew my important pills were in my toilet bag. I got it fixed and God luck he only followed me to the door and waited outside. I swallowed a handful of pills. After a while, the worst shaking and abstinences stopped and I was ready to an interview by the immigration authorities. The firs fellow I annoyed so much by my sassy talk that he threw me out to wait again. After a while a sweet lady took over, I got her charmed to accept me and when I showed her a wallet full of dollars she opened the door to New York. Early in the morning, I took a cap to a hotel at Manhattan; around the corner raised The Empire State Building.
The next weeks I was a strange tourist in New York saw a little but the Irish bar cross the hotel became my second home for a while. I attempted to rent a car, to cross the USA after a while; even I just had lost my driver license in Denmark. I told I had forgot it in Denmark, I could not understand I could not get a temporary license. Then there was only one thin to do. Run away to a really banana republic.

Guatemala I had heard about. I went to the airport and bought a ticket to Guatemala City. I the plane I was sitting next to a guy who gave me a name on a Hotel in the center. I was warned in the reception. Do not go out here in the nighttime. Whatever I was on the way out to get some food and end up with bringing the first the best hooker I saw with me home. I was end up in the worst crime part of this criminal city.
Next day I bought a ticket to a “chicken bus” to the old beautiful capital La Antigua. I had heard in Denmark that it was easy to get a board and room in a private home if I took a Spanish course. Soon I was sitting in a little nice room with my own door and a bottle of vodka, ready for new adventures. I met up stinking of vodka in the morning for my Spanish classes. I got my own driver who took me on tours to the small villages between the volcanoes in the afternoon, very charming. However, I had my friend the vodka bottle with me in my back around. I talked to many people, and was eating good and had fun at the bars and discotheques. It was my vision to stay there, but after a while I figured out I did not had money enough, even though it was very cheap to live there. I talked to a couple of American guys and told them my plans to stay, and my Idea of get a job to supply my income. They laughed and I got mad until they told me what a salary I could expect. I began to go to the beautiful churches, pray, and cry. I was so miserable over my situation and life. I was lonesome and felt very sorry for myself. My kids, family and employer did not know where I was, and I did not know why I was there.
After a month, I changed my thicket again and went home via Miami and New York.
I was afraid the police would welcome me in the airport when I came back to Denmark. I still had great thought about my importance. No one paid attention to me in the airport of Copenhagen and I was somewhat disappointed.

Home again I had received a dismissal notice from my boss at the school (fired). I got very mad, what in heck. I just had my year free, how could they then fire me? I was full of self-righteous and resentments.
Next day I called my boss, called him and idiot, and told him my plans for him. I arranged a meeting with the senior shop steward and I hired the architect union’s lawyer. After some negotiations, I had to accept I was fired but instead I got a year’s full salary. I was happy and free to start my art school.

I started every morning with “a little help with my friends” the pills to get the fear away. Then I took a bottle of coke filed half with Vodka with me every morning so it looked like I was drinking soda at the art school. To lunch, I was drunk and ready to go to a pub with some other of the students and the teacher who liked to drink also. I easily found my fellows. I still thought I was a fine well-respected man, or more correct I wanted other to think so. Inside me, it was all bullshit I was scared, angry and annoyed at others everybody was idiots in my mind. I talked like a motor mouth I thought I had to be so interesting all time, but I was an annoying smartass at least.
The wonder is I made some good paintings, still hanging on my walls. I don’t know how.

After ending the year at the school, I came home one day. It was summer the vacation period was just started I had no job anymore not many friends left; I could se the end of my capital.

In the summer 1998, a letter from Nigeria in Africa popped up in my mailbox. I was if not on booze then I was on my drugs. I knew I was caught in a trap of booze and drugs now. I could not come out I thought. Therefore, I did not care about anything now. First, I hide the letter away, I had herd about swindlers and letters from Nigeria before, nobody should cheat me. However, an “exiting letter” from Africa was welcome in my lost life now; I had no job, no friends and no family only drunk fellows. Worth of all no money left back, I could se the end of the bottom, symbolic and literally.

Here was a chance to get some money and get my life back, it was so exiting.
5 million dollars the letter told me, I could get out of it. Whatever I knew by intuition, it was false. At that time, I did not care about my intuition. I was God and nobody should tell me I could not fool those Nigerian crooks. I studied the letter it was from a Lawyer in Nigeria who worked for the West African Union and an Oil millionaire who wanted my help to move 20 million dollars from Nigeria to Ivory Coast.
Why in heck should it be me? I dint care I was bewitched. I could change my life totally and make life exiting. I wrote a lot of questions to the to the lawyer so I was convinced it was not swindle and humbug. Soon I got a long letter back a letter about the purpose for the money transport. Later I began to negotiate with him, send letters and even talk in phone. It was very exciting I loved to have a something to go into again. Suddenly he got realistic, I asked me to Buy a ticket to Abidjan on Ivory Cost and get a visa. I got it and send hem a copy of all. When I was ready to take down and pick up the money, he called me and begged me to take with me $15,000-. I got a chock´, got very angry, it was not my idea, and I should have money for my help, not bring money. He told if I wanted protection I had to bring them. Now I had started all that mess so why should the game stop here I was thinking.
I emptied all my accounts moved some money to another bank, got a overdraft ability and withdraw it all again so I had more money, even some of my capital pension I withdraw so I was sure had money enough with me on my exiting exploration to the dark Africa. Armed with dollars and many credit cards the important businessperson arrived the Airport of Abidjan - What an illusion. I loved the action, even I was scared but my drugs took the worst.
In the Airport, three well-dressed persons welcomed me and guided me fast through the passport control. I was put up at the best Hotel in the City. I had to wait in a week before something happened. I was only drinking controlled, but soon figured out there was many beautiful women on the hotel that need a bed and I was also tourist around in the city.
Then suddenly I had a meeting the lawyer picked me up. A driver took us to a huge house, which looked like an embassy with armed guards around. Inside the house, some diplomats from the countries of West Africa, was sitting around a huge writing table and “the huge boss” in front of it. Hi told me about the plan and that they was waiting for the money transportation. He hoped for me, I had the money brought with me. I had to give him the 15,000 dollars now. I was surprised I thought I should pay them to the bank next day to open an account. No the money was for protecting me. So hit with the cash. I tried to act cool and asked for a toilet. I went out to pray and new I had to give him all. I new immediately I newer would se my money again. However, I was so scared I am happy for that. I would not have been alive to day if I did not have delivered the money I am sure.
Later on two men came with a huge wooden box. Very dramatic they opened it with a crowbar. I got information about how you transport huge amounts of money over land. They have to stamp every each money note. The boss asked me to pick up five 100 $ bills in the box to be sure they was not false. Then a man showed me a bottle of a special liquid to move the notes. He washed them and hanged the dollar bills up in a ventilator grill. I got the 500 dollars with me to control if thy was false on the hotel or in a bank.
I was told the liquid was not transported together with the money for safety, and would first be here in couples of days. Thy made a whole drama out of the missing liquid after that. One night a man came to my hotel room with a whole 5-gallon bottle filled up with the liquid. We hided it at the bathroom, next morning the liquid was run dry, and thy blamed me I did make a hole in it. Now we had to wait a week again
We went to the bank next day to open a bank account in my name for all the money. I did so still hopping to se some of my money back. That was an elaborated show to, better than all the others were and took the whole day. I tried the account after worth it worked fine.

Suddenly after that day all my crook fellows was as sunk into the ground. I did not se them around as I used to, they did not call me and worst I could not call them. All lines were broke and cut. I knew what was wrong, so I asked my private taxi driver to drive me to the liquor store for new supplies. Now I need a little party I have had that all the time I have been in Abidjan, I had been to busy and engaged. What a night, but I cannot remember much. In the meantime, I have a little sweet fiancée who wanted to follow me to Denmark so I used some time to get her a passport and other stupid things for her. I was close to be in sane.

Suddenly I figured out I had to go to the Danish embassy and tell them about the crime. She told me I was not the only stupid fellow who has been cheated that way. They advised me to go home as fast as possible, but stubborn as I am, I demanded she give me the address of the police (Fraud Squad).
I came to talk to a police officer. However, new it was only talk he cold not help even I gave him all my information’s.

When I flew over the Sahara dessert on my way home, I had now lost all my gods and was in a very bad mod, but I was not beaten totally. I still had some brides to burn and a female to hurt, but I was close to my bottom.
I do not know how but at my end I got a new sweet girlfriend in the spring 1999. I found the sweet woman at a contact ad. At our first date, I burned her of because of a drinking tour. Next day I called her, tried to apologize, and manipulated her to meet me again. I told her it was a mistake that never wound happen again, She had figured out I had a problem with alcohol. I made an agreement in her town. In the coming period, I did not drink alcohol but I had my drugs. Soon we were lovers. I was happy because since I got divorced in 1997 I was sure the only ting in the world that could make me happy was money at least a million or a woman. After the millions have failed, I was happy I had a girlfriend again.
We had a wonderful spring and it over shadowed my money problems and growing dept.
I got some contact to my old friends and study pals again. I figured out the tree married couples had planed a vacation tour to Greece in the summer 1999. The friends did not invite me to the vacation.
Therefore, I invited them to a party with my new girlfriend and promised them I was not drinking anymore.
At the party, I invited myself, and my new girlfriend to take part of the vacation.
They could se with their open eyes I did not drink anymore. I promised and swear I would not drink a drop in the 14 days the vacation would last.
When the time for arrive came I got a phone call from one of my best friends. He told me that that my friends just had bought house on the Greek Island where we were having the vacation together with my ex-wife. I got so mad and bitter for that information that it strange I did not began to drink immediately – but I had my drugs instead.

I came through the first week without drinking; even I got more and more resentment to my friends and ex-wife. We went many restaurants to eat and my friends drank a lot and had a lot of fun. I got more and more annoyed and angry. Many times, I was close to exploding. After a week we all were on a sailboat tour around the island, very pretty but I was a like thundercloud. To the lunch, we anchored up on a small deserted island. When I had my food I asked for something to drink there was only wine and beer on the table. I asked for something else to drink the man pointed at the bar in the boat. Then I exploded I run down to the boat bought a whole bottle of liquor and swallowed most of it very fast.
As soon as my girlfriend and the other friends recognized I was drunk. The air was frozen to ice between us; they did not talk to me anymore. Therefore, when the boat was back in town in the night, I went out to drink on the bars until early morning. When I woke up my girlfriend was moved to another room. I got so mad because of that. My pride could not forgive her that. I broke a window to her room I split apart all her cloth, bra, panties and t shits in small pieces – a sweet revenge.
Then I left again and continued my drinking. When I came back, again my friends only asked me if I preferred to leave the island immediately to leave the island, take to Rhodes, and wait a week for the plane home. Alternatively, they would call the police. I just remember I got mad and was close to be violent again. Before I knew it I saw, two of them carry my luggage to the ferry. I Limped embarrassed after them.
Next day I woke up in the mettle of the night on a hospital in Rhodes, with in my face battered. I could not remember anything. I was commanded to take on my cloth on and leave the hospital. Still drunk with beginning withdrawal symptoms. After a while, walking plan less around, I figured out all my money and my payment cards was away. I was so confused I did not know where I was or where I have been. Talked to a police officer called my bank in Denmark for money transfer. Nothing and nobody worked for me. At least and I do not know how, I got a hotel room where I lived the last days until the plane brought me home, with fee liquors on the company’s bill.
In the plane I was sitting next to, my “ex-friend” hi ignore me totally. The only word he told was, no -- when I asked him for some money to the train from the Airport in Copenhagen to my home. Therefore, I entered as stowaway.
What a mess I was in now. Far down emotional. No Girlfriend no friends at all and no money at all – Only a dept let back and the police knocking at my door. I was scared to hell now. Drinking like a pig and cheating with a false chequebook, I found in my draw.

I made up a fake break-in in my apartment, called the police who made a rapport, send it to my insurance agent and got some money to drink up. It was just a matter of time before I was totally broke, end up in prison or a mental hospital. One day I was vomiting all day long, at last I had nothing to vomit of. I drank because I need it but my body could not absorb it anymore. I those days I was thinking a lot of doing suicide and wish I had a gun for two reasons, the first to make a bank robbery and the last to end my life; it was a kind of a split mind.

A day after that I was a kind of sober I passed an old church in the center of the city. I have often used churches to relax for meditation. I love art and have always been searching for spirituality. I was in a very bad mood and a hopeless situation. The door was open so I walked inside, nobody was there, and it was very peaceful.
I sat down on a chair; suddenly I kneeled down and prayed intensely to my God, as I understood him. Deeply, something I never have done before. I asked only for help to come out of my hopeless situation. Suddenly I just knew it was not money that could help me out of my hopeless situation, it was something else just a feeling a knowledge, I do not know where it came from. However, it was a very clear intuition that told me I had to change my life. If I wanted a better life, I had to be useful for other people and grateful instead of demanding all the time. No doubt, I got a short spiritual awakening.

Next day I instinctively knew what to do, I called the detoxification center where I used to go when my drinking was worst and I came into an antabuse treatment. You swallow a pill so you cannot drink. If you try to do, your face swells up and you get very hot, red in the face, and worst if you do not stop, your heart will begin to beat very hard. You can die of it. It is very used to give among doctors in Denmark as a useless cure. You stop drinking because of fear in a while. You do not stop the crave for alcohol. It is only a question about time before an alcoholic like me again try to cheat and do not take the medicine so I can drink again. ¨
This time at the detoxification center was different, because I told the nurse that, I wanted to get sober now forever and do not want to go on a cure. She said, she did not think it was so bad with my drinking.
For the first time in my life, I told a human being the whole story, how bad it was and how much I have been drinking the last years. I had never done that before. I told her I have heard about what we in Denmark call a Minnesota treatment center, a treatment center who use AA´s 12 steps for recovering. Se got an Idea I could se and gave me a brochure for a brand new center close to where I lived. It was a day center.
I could call the center and go down to talk to them next day. She would present my report to the doctor’s council next day. I told I had no money for that, she knew, but they would try the new policy an experiment to send hopeless alcoholics free into that 12-step treatment center. I was so lucky and already next day I took the first train down to the treatment center. I told the leader of the center my story.

The leader told me the best I ever been told since I started to drink. He told me: “I think you have a disease - You suffer from an allergy to alcohol combined with a psychic obsession for alcohol.”
It was as he throws off the yoke of my shoulders. I have always been thinking, “I must have a weak character”. Why do I drink again now? Why can’t I learn to control my drinking?
I figured out it was not my fall that I was drinking - I was born that way. My fall was I took the first drink, because I was allergic to alcohol and I cannot manage it.

I saw clearly I could find a solution here and I was now ready to do everything to get it. I got my free place and started next morning. It was a day center I slept at home toke the train down and home every day in two month.

That the treatment had something to do with that AA I tried four years earlier, I did not know before I was some weeks into the cure. I did not understand why he waned me to start go to AA meetings again.
I was sure; I would be cured for drinking when I had finished this curse. Suddenly I figured out after I was set to read in AA 12 steps and 12 traditions. I was in a recovery from alcoholism and that treatment center was only an introduction to AA´s program. I had to go to AA meetings and to continue in AA. Get a sponsor and take the steps.

The17th May 2000 I became sober on the treatment center that is my DOS, day of sober. I was on the center 2 month.
Before that happened, I made a show of my self. I still took my drugs the Benzodiazepine and did not tell my new friend about my medicine, I new I was addicted to the medicine. I was very scared to let go. I thought it would hurt like hell. I tried to hide it and cheat about my pills I had on me every second during the day. After a while, I figured out if I want to be sober, I had to be honest. I walked to the leader and admitted my pill abuse. We made an agreement, I should take the bottle of pills with me next day and he would step down the dose of medicine with me. I was so afraid for loose my “friends”. I took only the half of my pill bottle and gave him. I was living scared every day worried that I would be discovered, but some day I got some help. One of the pills fall out my pocket, a guy saw it and yelled, “What is that” I was very embarrassed and got red in the face. Next day I had all pills with me, one week later I was free of pills to. If I just knew it was so easy, I would have stopped much earlier. It did not hurt me at all. It was only in my worried head it hurt. A week later, I stopped smoking too.

I really felt I was born again now. I was ready to get a new life and start life fresh again. I instinctively I new I had to get a sponsor to guide me trough those steps and I new it vas very important if I wanted a life back. I had harmed so many people including my self that hurt a lot to know. I wish I could go direct to those I had harmed and I was willing to make amends to them all immediately, but I am happy I waited to I was ready.

In the autumn 2000, I got my first sponsor and was ready to take the steps. It was difficult because of my pride, to go to another man for help. Asked him: “do you want to be my sponsor” scary for me, but I had no other chose now I knew.
I got a phone number of another AA fellow I could call it was so challenging to my pride. It was close to I never called him. The only reason I did it was my fear for drinking again.
He asked me if I was willing to go to any length to get it. He told me I had to be open, willing, and honest and try to do what he suggested. I could think it over and call him next day. I was thinking, “What a jerk and he don’t like me”.
I scared but I called the next day and told I was ready – I was now ready to take the steps.
I called him every day in the first steps. I very soon got it much better my life got more simple and disciplined. I have always had that idea that to live in an undisciplined manner was freedom and best for me. What a rotten life that freedom gave me. I had a life full of fear know to day. The freedom for me was to make a decision to turn my will and my life over to the care of my God, as I understood Him.
The Third Step Prayer gave me the courage to make a moral inventory. If someone a half year earlier gave me that suggestion, to make a searching and fearless moral inventory of myself and write it down I am sure I would have laughed very loud. I would have said, “What a joke – I have no falls”.

I knew instinctively I had to make a moral inventory. It was a fantastic journey into myself - the best thing I ever have done.
To share all my crab and secrets with another person in fifth step made me freer than I ever have been. I also told what I did not like to tell and thought I would take with me into the grave.
I began to se it made me free to accept all my falls and that I had defects of character that had to be moved away. I figured out that I could pray to be willing. Humbly I asked My God to remove my shortcomings.
I learned by heart the Seventh Step Prayer. I use it every day now and have done it in seven years soon.
My deep fear began to disappear I suddenly felt. What a freedom to wake up with out fear for the coming day.
Then I came to step eight and nine. I have made a list of all the persons I have harmed and to whom I was willing to make amends. I made it when I took my inventory.
Now I had to go out to my fellows and repair the damage done in the past.
In fact, it was the main reason I started to take the steps. I had a mess of thoughts in my poor head of peoples I had harmed. I was not fearless by doing that – but I got the courage again from somewhere.
I began to understand was a very powerful God. I called and visited all people on my list I could find the address on, I made it as good as I could at that time, and it worked.
Now the promises in the end of ninth step began to work.

The rest of the steps were a piece of cake.
Soon after my twelfth step, a guy asked me if I would like to be his sponsor. The circle was completed and I could now “Bring the Message” to another alcoholic, an in heritage I am very grateful for I got.
Not all the guys I have sponsored have stayed sober, but it is not my fall and to be a sponsor have always helped me to stay sober and get a good life.

Today I have a very good life. I am free of my deep fear of not being ok and feel different from others. That is the best and most important to day, but I know I have to maintain my soberness one day at a time. I have my life back.
After a half year sober, I got back to my job as an architect in a company. I began to get a salary I could live by. I could start pay back some of my dept and even by me a computer, which changed my world.
Later in my new life, I came back to a company where I have pulled a stunt, as an active. I think I made amends there on a constructive way.

The new computer made me contacts around the world.
I began to write to an American woman. I would like to exercise and develop my English. I put my profile on an English spoken dating homepage. My present wife was one of the women who wrote to me.
A short strange message, I wrote back but I never thought I would be interested in her. She continued write to me and I wrote back. At that time, she was living on a strange place far away I never had heard about, a little Island north of Seattle, she is originally from New York. The first I told was that I was an alcoholic. It did not look like it affected her. She wrote back her dad had been too. She new the decease – even he never got sober, but her mom was in Al-anon.
Suddenly one day she wrote if I would offer her a cop of coffee if she passed me. She had planed a travel to Denmark in the autumn. I said yes of cause, I thought it was a joke, which never would happen. After a while, I began to understand se meant it. Then we began to call each other. One day I met her on the Railway Station thousand of miles away from her home. I think we liked each other from the beginning. It was as if we always have known each other. I had only been sober for 1½ year, but I had taken my steeps, and it was very important to me.
Very short time after I suddenly got a week free of my new job. The Boss sad to me: “why don’t you visit your new girlfriend”? I ordered a ticked to Seattle next day and visited her on Orcas Island. The next year we were here and there, from US to DK, a lot of trouble and to far away to have a fiancé.
We had to take a decision, where to live together. She had no kids and was divorced from a man who lived on the Island, and the idea of moving was applying to her.
I had a good job as an architect. It would be difficult for me to work as architect in USA. Chance working language and measurements - it might easier for her.
The only problem was she had a small piece of land she had to sell, before she could leave USA.
We got a splendid idea; in the meantime, she could take the half way to Denmark, to her sister at Manhattan, New York and live there until her property was sold.

In my vacation in July 2002 I flew to Seattle picked her up and together we crossed The USA along High way 90 in her car. It was a marvelous travel for me to cross the wonderful country from east to west and se all those places I only have read and heard about. We drove over the Rocky Mountains; saw Yellowstone, the Wild West, Mount Rushmore, South Dakota, Badlands, and at Chicago the houses of Frank Lloyd Wright and AA meetings.
The greatest experience for me was to pass Akron, Ohio to se the historic place where AA was founded. Where Bill Wilson called a hopeless drinking doctor instead of go into the bar - an amazing story for me. He Brought the Message to Dr. Bob who stayed sober after that meeting and Bill kept his, both until the day they died.
We passed the Akron Archives of Alcoholics Anonymous on a Sunday. We were very lucky three other AA guys from Australia had an appointment with a man from the fellowship to a guided tour; I got an unexpected experience I never forget. To touch and read in one of the first typewritten Big Books with white gloves on my hands was so exiting, because exactly that Book saved my life.

The 17th of July my two years day of soberness, we were visiting one of Fran’s sisters in Buffalo. I went to an AA meeting on the day, I looked forward to get a two years coin. In Denmark, we have a tradition to give coins at the meetings. I expected to get one now, but then it popped in my mind – I had never seen anyone get a coin at the meetings I had been to in USA. I asked an old guy next to me.
He looked at me and said dryly. “Oh no, we don’t give medallions for soberness in this group”.
If I was disappointed? - I tried to look like I was not. I knew with my commonsense that it the program it is “One day at time” (a 24 hoers program) and the coins have nothing to do with AA.
However, I survived I came over that disappointment too.
We reached New York City after 3 weeks driving and I left my sweetie, at her sister at Manhattan.

December 2002 Fran’s property was sold and she moved to Denmark. It is a miracle and I am very grateful to have her with me – One day at time. I have a wonderful life together with my wife, she said she wants to stay and we got married.
Soon she will get a permanent residence permit. She has a job now and speaks very good Danish. I am proud of her. I have trough experience in the program figured out. I have to let go in other persons and live my own live – and not run my wife’s life. What a freedom.

I had made direct amends to my old boss at the College where I taught for seven years. He was the one who fired me, official because of too many days off. Some years after my ninth step, the College had an advertisement for a job exactly as my old job. I liked my old job even though I was full of fear I knew I had a talent for it somewhere, and the fear was because of my drinking and low self-worth, but it was only inside my head the fear existed.
I called the boss to hear if he thought it would be would be realistic to search the job again. He made it very clear that he liked me a lot, but thought I have burned too many bridges behind me. He did not think he was able to convince the governing body that I was the right person for the job again. I understood his opinion and accepted totally.
Very short time after the idea popped up again, I could not let go in the thoughts about the job.
I talked to some of my AA friends about it. Suddenly one of them said to me, “what do you have to loose - why don’t you just send your application and CV for the job? – you can only get a no.” oh yes!!!
I send my application and I came to a two job interviews with many people and got the Job, first on a try on a ½ year. Four years later, I am permanently employed and I love my job to day.

In 10 years, my colleges have not changed much and boss is still the same. In old days, I felt they all, inclusive the students were idiots in my mind and they were only there to make troubles for me.
Today, I know I am employed on the college because I have something to give the students. I am not employed because I need to know everything and the students don’t need a hero to worship.
I am just a simple, sober teacher and architect who is useful and that works fine for me.

The most important for me to day is my soberness. I have to make it more important than everything else does in the world - Inclusive my wife, kids and my work.
That is why I go to AA meetings with pleasure to day. I Bring the Message for other alcoholics.
I do my service in AA thankfulness because Alcoholics Anonymous saved my life.

Thank you every one of you that keeps AA running – Bjarne T.